I feel like I need to start this post with a disclaimer:
Do not do this at home.
I cannot stress this enough.
Honestly, I still cannot believe we did.
My mother-in-law used to tell stories about how my husband was constantly getting hurt growing up. We’re talking ramps that launched him into low tree limbs, riding on the back of moving cars as a teenager… the kind of stories that make you pause and say, “How did he survive?”
Apparently, it got to the point where his parents rotated emergency rooms so the staff wouldn’t think he was being abused.
Unfortunately, this “accident-prone” streak did not end in childhood.
Over the years, we’ve had:
- A broken collarbone
- Broken ribs
- Fingers cut with a chainsaw (yes, really)
- And a variety of other incidents I try not to think about too often
As you can imagine, this keeps life… exciting.
Not in a fun way.
At this point, I almost dread it when he starts a new project. I just don’t think he’s as careful as he should be.
Fast Forward to This Week
Ray was using the skid steer to dig a trench to route water from the slough to the creek behind our property. Our back acreage sits in a 100-year floodplain, so water management is a whole thing.
Somehow, the skid steer ended up at an odd angle, and he lurched forward—hitting his head on the roof.
Unfortunately, there was a bolt sticking out.
And that’s when things went sideways.
He ended up with a deep gash on the top of his head—about an inch and a half long.
Enter: Chaos
I wasn’t home at the time, so Iyan called me trying to figure out what to do.
I talked to Ray, who seemed completely unfazed and insisted he was “fine.”
(Spoiler: he was not fine.)
When I got home and actually saw it, I immediately knew:
👉 This needs stitches
👉 This needs a tetanus shot
👉 This needs someone who is not me
This is where things took a very bizarre turn.
The Part Where Everything Goes Off the Rails
Ray refused to go to urgent care.
Flat-out refused.
He said it wasn’t necessary and would just be a waste of time.
Instead… he casually suggested we use a medical stapler he already had.
I could barely look at the wound, much less imagine stapling it closed.
Iyan was hovering somewhere between concerned and on the verge of throwing up.
Meanwhile, Ray remained completely calm.
Practice Makes… Something
After enough back-and-forth, I realized he was just going to leave it open if we didn’t do something.
So… against my better judgment… I agreed to try.
But first—we practiced on a banana.
Yes. A banana.
Nothing says “we are qualified for this” like fruit-based medical training.
And since this had now escalated into a group activity, Iyan was also required to participate.
Because obviously, two completely untrained people are better than one.
For the record, this experience did not awaken a hidden passion for medicine. Iyan is now very confident he will not be pursuing a career in the medical field.
The Moment of Truth
We went for it.
We managed to get three staples in…
…and then realized the third one didn’t look quite right.
So we had to take it out.
At that point, all three of us were:
- Exhausted,
- Stressed,
- Questioning our life choices
So we left the two decent staples in…
…and decided that was enough hands-on medical treatment for one evening.
Where We Are Now
It’s been four days.
The wound seems to be healing.
But I still firmly believe:
👉 This should have been handled by a professional
👉 A tetanus shot is still a really good idea
👉 We should probably never do this again
Final Thoughts
Marriage teaches you a lot of things.
Patience. Compromise. Communication.
Apparently… emergency wound closure was also on the list.
Question for you:
What’s the most “I cannot believe we just handled that ourselves” moment you’ve had?
With love & glitter,
Valerie ✨
Feathers and Phases 