2017 My Lost Year

I started this blog in 2017 as a way to express all the grief, anger, regret, and sorrow I felt when my brother took his own life.   I have struggled with being the parent of an addicted, mentally ill daughter and rearranging my retirement dreams to raise my grandson, but I can honestly say losing my brother to suicide has been the worst experience of my life.

My funny, kind, generous brother felt so desperate that taking his own life was the only way he could find peace.  This was my closest brother, my best friend and I missed the signs. I will live with the guilt, the loss and the “what ifs” for the rest of my life.  He will miss seeing me growing old and wrinkled, laughing at bad grammar and sharing the ups and downs of life.  He will miss seeing my grandson grow up.  He will miss being loved by a little boy that absolutely adored him.  He will miss every milestone and we will miss him.

Grief is not something that just shows up on special occasions or holidays.  It makes an appearance on regular days when regular life things are happening.  It makes an appearance when we try a new recipe, play bingo, watch fireworks, see a sign with bad grammar, hear his favorite songs on the radio.. the list goes on and on.   Grief strikes quickly and leaves you yearning for the impossible.

For the past three years, we have been a family learning to survive with new scars and an empty place in our hearts.  Our family will be suicide aware for the rest of our lives –  not just one month a year, but 365 days a year.  Time does take away the raw grief, but it will never heal the scars.

I am blessed to have my husband.  For all the annoying, crazy husband things he does he understands that this loss scarred me to depths I didn’t even know humans possessed.  A depth that isn’t fully recoverable.  He understands when I cry.  He knows my regrets.  He knows that I still have times when I am overcome with sadness and just need a hug.

Our family tragedy has taken our life in a different direction, but that doesn’t mean we cannot honor the love for my brother by loving and remembering the good times.  I will always love my brother, I will always miss my brother, but I am moving forward and keeping his memories close.  I will look for the collateral beauty and hold tight to it. Because as my brother always said, “All you can do is laugh”.